It all began fairly innocuously with the standard cheery reassurance of the pre-takeoff announcement by the pilot. But for Captain Alexander Cheplevsky, his reassuring words evaporated faster than shots of vodka at a Russian wedding. For some strange reason Capt Cheplevsky’s slurred and garbled comments ahead of a flight from Moscow to New York convinced passengers that he was…wait for it… irrigated with horizontal lubricant!
When he apparently switched from unintelligible Russian into unintelligible English and then an unintelligible mix of both, fear turned to revolt aboard the aircraft. Flight attendants initially ignored passengers’ complaints, even threatening to expel them from the plane unless they stopped “making trouble”.
As the rebellion spread, Aeroflot representatives boarded the aircraft to try to pacify the 300-odd passengers. One even went as far as to try and reassure them by announcing that it was “not such a big deal” if the pilot was drunk because the aircraft practically flew itself! Yah sure, we can see that from the US Airways’ clever ditching in the Hudson River.
In the end the flight crew was replaced, but despite more than 200 passengers signing a statement asserting Cheplevsky was drunk, Aeroflot insists there’s no evidence to show the pilot was drunk. Medical tests performed after the incident showed no trace of alcohol in his system, according to the carrier’s spokesperson, who went on to demonstrate superlative damage control skills.
Responding to strong accusations that the pilot was drunk the spokesperson proffered all sorts of waffle from complete denial to the possibility of a stroke, to – and this is the Belly Acher’s favourite – “mass psychosis” on the passengers’ part! You see, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault at all, it was the passengers who were to blame! This is spin-doctoring taken to 35,000 feet!
And so, dear readers, as is our usual lofty pursuit in the Belly Ache department, we have a suggestion for the Russian carrier. Perhaps its time to rebrand, not going as far as renaming the airline after a brand of alcohol like a certain Indian carrier – after all, most foreigners would get their tongue twisted over a name like Stolichnaya Airways – so we think it better just to come up with a new logo (above). And with that we bid farewell until the next issue and as they say in Russia (while raising a glass!): “Budem zdorovy” meaning “Let’s stay healthy”. Hmmm, not a bad slogan for an airline!